coming out

Emerging from lockdown is tougher than I thought, and a few around me have mentioned the same for them, particularly those who identify as introverted. Seeing people suddenly flock to the streets (I haven't been into any shops or anything this week, aside from the ones I normally frequent, so I can't say with certainty what it's like in there, but I have seen people outside bars/pubs and at restaurants) has been a little bit confronting. It has reminded me though of how for most of my life I have needed to retreat periodically to reassess and renew, that is, heavy social activity is exhausting and often feels transactional. I don't know if that's a rare feeling but I do know a lot of people are happier being out in public than I am. Which is probably why some people play their dramas out in real time with real people, and I blog. 

Speaking of which, I note with some interest that having hit over 200 posts this year I have posted more on this blog than I have done in probably a decade. I have not been trying to hit a target, at all, and as mentioned in previous years I think the main inhibitor until recently was the extreme difficulty I found switching between my 'main' associated email account. Somehow, blogger (or someone) fixed this problem and it is now as simple as clicking through a couple of times. So the psychological impediment is gone, and it's easy. I suppose the circumstances of 2020 have also made it more attractive, a lot of time at home alone with all kinds of minutiae going on to record, subtle cat dynamics and old records turning up in the mail, the normal fuel. And the background noise of insanity going on in the world outside. Yesterday I heard someone in the street going through a manic iteration of yelling 'meow' in crazy sing-song ways. I didn't look out the window, I don't know if they were alone or trying to make someone laugh. It didn't make me laugh I just thought 'ugh, stop the fuckin' madness'. 

Today I am finally getting my car back from the mechanics' and tomorrow I am going to visit Ferdie, who has his first walk proper walk today after his cruciate ligament operation, these things will change my outlook I am guessing. That said I am unlikely to be doing much in the next fortnight as rent and car repair costs put me on a very small budget until next payday.