who gets the time to take drugs

Look, I do know how to procrastinate - don't worry about that. But for crying out loud, this life is so full of tiny little stupidities that need to be done, and no time to do any of them. I just logged on to the ARC site to wrap up an assessment to find they've actually given me two to do - I had no idea about the second one until just then and I had to 'accept' it, to see when the due date was (today as well).* I mean that's not fair on anyone, including the people who have put all the work in to making an application. Anyway I was walking Perry and thinking about medicinal marijuana gummies, something I know precisely nothing about except that they exist, and I thought, who the hell has the time to just give away an evening to doing nothing, knowing that they will pick up real life again in the morning? I know I used to routinely get drunk at least one night of a weekend, probably more during the week, and the next day would largely be a write-off. I know that 'intellectually' (to the degree anything about me is intellectual) but I just can't recall what it was like or  how I thought I could manage it, but I guess I am in responsible employment now. 

I do know how to procrastinate, and I am also continually creating projects for myself which mean I never really have time at all, but seriously, I am amazed that there are people who can put themselves into a situation where they are unable to do anything (alright, I will admit I do know some people for whom being pretty stoned is actually an ideal state to be creative - that's not possible for me, but that would of course make all the difference). 

The real thing is I guess the drive to create, whether it's an ARC assessment (some creation, huh) or something more substantial. I have that. What I have lost, however, which was always tenuous, is the drive to create something to completion. It's a different kind of procrastination - in my fifties I have just started overthinking everything. It's super weird. Must do better. 

*don't worry if none of this makes sense, it's not important at all. just 'get it by context' OK? Also I should point out it's very likely they emailed me to tell me about the second one but I just saw the email and didn't read it because I thought it was a reminder about the first one. I've requested more time to do the second one, will probably get it. By the way that cartoon is from the Montreal Gazette 30 June 1984 p. 19

swings and roundabouts

I stayed late at work last night for 2 hours, which some part of my inner being seems to think means I can delay leaving for work this morning as long as I flipping please. So I had my coffee on the deck of the studio (new tradition I've invented) and rummaged around on the internet and thought about going to Fletcher Jones Moonee Ponds en route to work so I can get some new socks. I won't get there till midday at this rate. And I was doing so well...

wannabe, starting something

I had a sit-down coffee this morning before coming into the office (which much to my surprise had its door wide open, because much to my surprise a tech person was at my desk, I thought it was a porn bust, obviously requiring the planting of porn onto my hard drive, but in fact I'd logged a computer problem last Wednesday then completely forgottenabouddit), and I made a list of the publications I'd promised the world this year. Including all variations: co-writes, conference papers which won't technically be publications (the 2 conference papers I'm doing that aren't intended to see print are the outcome of research that will eventually make it to a book in a couple of years, touch wood), etc, and a co-edited book, there are 16. Sixteen! Completed to date? Well, there are two that have definitely been accepted, and two more that are at least in the 'system' and, touch wood again (there is no wood in this office, unless this desk top is wood, it's hard to tell) will eventually be published in some shape or form. The rest is all in my oversize head, bar a few unreferenced intros and abstracts. I really must...zzzzzzzzz