A tip for those suffering the next Melbourne heatwave of 1908/ 2009 proportions (so hello 2110 I suppose). (Or 2011 or whatever):
If you burn your hand however mildly under water from the garden hose trying to fill the dogs' bowls in the late afternoon, do not then cut up chillies using that hand to gather, as it may well sting unpleasantly for some hours thereafter.
If you ignore the above and find yourself in such a situation, run your hand under the cold tap repeatedly.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
so it's hot so what
I hear they're doing it even tougher in Adelaide. Well, we get through heatwaves: that's what Australians do. The one we're presently taking on in Melbourne this week is purportedly the hottest week since 1908 (years only went a week in the good old days). I mistakenly thought, when I first heard this, that my 99 year old grandmother Mavis would be the only person I knew who could verify this, then realised that of course she is 99, not 100, so while she might have experienced it in utero, she basically didn't.
I suffer more in extreme heat because I am naturally a very warm person; it's most uncomfortable and sad for me, and however others feel it's usually worse for me (this is true of practically anything). Well, plus the car radiator seems to be massively overheating too (what do you need a radiator for in a car anyway?) which makes it nervous to drive. Tomorrow I am going to brave public transport, which is most likely going to mean going very early and coming back quite late (i.e. avoiding the crush at peak hour). Wish me luck. I know you can't help yourself whether you want to or not.
By the way, I drank all the soda water in Melbourne. Sorry about that.
I suffer more in extreme heat because I am naturally a very warm person; it's most uncomfortable and sad for me, and however others feel it's usually worse for me (this is true of practically anything). Well, plus the car radiator seems to be massively overheating too (what do you need a radiator for in a car anyway?) which makes it nervous to drive. Tomorrow I am going to brave public transport, which is most likely going to mean going very early and coming back quite late (i.e. avoiding the crush at peak hour). Wish me luck. I know you can't help yourself whether you want to or not.
By the way, I drank all the soda water in Melbourne. Sorry about that.
it is a heatwave, that's my excuse
Thanks Polly
1.
Where did your last kiss take place?
blarney stone
2.
Who knows a secret or two about you?
everyone but me
3.
Four words to explain why you last threw up?
it was my turn
4.
Have you ever burned yourself?
on a drug deal you mean?
5.
What's crazy to you?
John, Arthur Brown's World, paving; also I hear Ken Bruce has gone mad.
6.
Favorite cuss word:
ditto (ditt-fuckin'-o)
7.
Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?
channel nine
8.
Who is your hero?
george lazenby
9.
Would you ever want to be a supermodel?
yes but I wouldn't want to be one - i'd only want to want to be one
10.
Who is the most experimental person you know?
julian williams. he is over the moon about it.
11.
Do you tell white lies?
only that sort
12.
When is your next party?
never (12th of)
13.
Who do you want to be with right now?
special someone
14 Do you scratch when and where you want to scratch?
you bet - doin' it now
15.
How do you handle a break up?
with verve
16.
Your motivation for tomorrow?
closer to the end of the heatwave
17.
Do you know what you will wear tomorrow?
somethin' snazzy
18.
Last person to make you laugh?
a retarded person who fell out of their wheelchair and squashed the banana they were eating, which was the only food they had, all over their hand-knitted purple vest and they cried.
19.
Last thing you ate?
an insect
20.
Do you ever go a few days without changing your underwear?
what underwear
21.
Have you ever accidentally eaten an insect?
only if i was unaware it was in the insect i was deliberately eating.
22.
Do daddy long legs freak you out?
with lipstick, yeah
23.
Have you ever cleaned up someone else's vomit?
perhaps accidentally while cleaning my own in the vomitorium
24.
Have you ever dropped food on the floor and eaten it?
eaten the floor? because that's what you said.
25.
Do you kiss your pets on the mouth?
not after kissing them on the arse - that would be unsanitary
26.
Do you talk baby talk?
if i want to be fucking understood by the morons around me, yes.
27.
What serial killer do you find most disturbing?
screw you and screw this (retreating steps and door slams)
28.
Do you watch court tv?
29.
Would you ever work in a retirement home?
30.
Do you believe plants have feelings?
31.
Do you laugh at people with "bowl" haircuts?
32.
Do you have nervous twitches?
33.
Are you ever purposely irritating?
34.
If you could fly, where would you go first?
35.
Do you prefer boats or planes?
36.
Love or lust?
37.
One best friend or 10 aquaintances?
38.
Favorite food?
39.
Do you believe that your first love never dies?
40.
What upcoming event are you waiting and ready for?
41.
Current smell?
42.
Do you get your nails done?
1.
Where did your last kiss take place?
blarney stone
2.
Who knows a secret or two about you?
everyone but me
3.
Four words to explain why you last threw up?
it was my turn
4.
Have you ever burned yourself?
on a drug deal you mean?
5.
What's crazy to you?
John, Arthur Brown's World, paving; also I hear Ken Bruce has gone mad.
6.
Favorite cuss word:
ditto (ditt-fuckin'-o)
7.
Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?
channel nine
8.
Who is your hero?
george lazenby
9.
Would you ever want to be a supermodel?
yes but I wouldn't want to be one - i'd only want to want to be one
10.
Who is the most experimental person you know?
julian williams. he is over the moon about it.
11.
Do you tell white lies?
only that sort
12.
When is your next party?
never (12th of)
13.
Who do you want to be with right now?
special someone
14 Do you scratch when and where you want to scratch?
you bet - doin' it now
15.
How do you handle a break up?
with verve
16.
Your motivation for tomorrow?
closer to the end of the heatwave
17.
Do you know what you will wear tomorrow?
somethin' snazzy
18.
Last person to make you laugh?
a retarded person who fell out of their wheelchair and squashed the banana they were eating, which was the only food they had, all over their hand-knitted purple vest and they cried.
19.
Last thing you ate?
an insect
20.
Do you ever go a few days without changing your underwear?
what underwear
21.
Have you ever accidentally eaten an insect?
only if i was unaware it was in the insect i was deliberately eating.
22.
Do daddy long legs freak you out?
with lipstick, yeah
23.
Have you ever cleaned up someone else's vomit?
perhaps accidentally while cleaning my own in the vomitorium
24.
Have you ever dropped food on the floor and eaten it?
eaten the floor? because that's what you said.
25.
Do you kiss your pets on the mouth?
not after kissing them on the arse - that would be unsanitary
26.
Do you talk baby talk?
if i want to be fucking understood by the morons around me, yes.
27.
What serial killer do you find most disturbing?
screw you and screw this (retreating steps and door slams)
28.
Do you watch court tv?
29.
Would you ever work in a retirement home?
30.
Do you believe plants have feelings?
31.
Do you laugh at people with "bowl" haircuts?
32.
Do you have nervous twitches?
33.
Are you ever purposely irritating?
34.
If you could fly, where would you go first?
35.
Do you prefer boats or planes?
36.
Love or lust?
37.
One best friend or 10 aquaintances?
38.
Favorite food?
39.
Do you believe that your first love never dies?
40.
What upcoming event are you waiting and ready for?
41.
Current smell?
42.
Do you get your nails done?
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
the age continues to sum up the spirit of... the age
I am not like this big Age bagger or anything, after all, I'm a subscriber and read it every day (despite what I am sometimes told). However, the article on Abi Tucker in today's is... well, fine, apart from the risible:
But she really made her name in the hit youth drama The Secret Life of Us. The series instantly struck a chord with the target audience of twentysomething generation Xers.
Suddenly, everyone was hauling old couches to the roofs of their apartment buildings, sharing spliffs and discussing their latest one-night stand.
I admit: I was no longer a twentysomething by the time TSLOU came out, but I do find it hard to imagine it as the creator of the widespread use of (shared) marijuana or discussion of individual sexploits. Of course, we did drag a couch up onto the roof, it rolled and fell into the back garden killing 11 flatmates.
But she really made her name in the hit youth drama The Secret Life of Us. The series instantly struck a chord with the target audience of twentysomething generation Xers.
Suddenly, everyone was hauling old couches to the roofs of their apartment buildings, sharing spliffs and discussing their latest one-night stand.
I admit: I was no longer a twentysomething by the time TSLOU came out, but I do find it hard to imagine it as the creator of the widespread use of (shared) marijuana or discussion of individual sexploits. Of course, we did drag a couch up onto the roof, it rolled and fell into the back garden killing 11 flatmates.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
best film ever made
Someone has been kind and smart enough to put five minutes of the funniest film ever made, Make Mine Mink, on YouTube, inc. almost all of Kenneth Williams' only scene, I believe one of his first film forays.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
what will they do next?
Scene: an editorial office in The Age. A young minion is being hauled over the coals by a slightly older editor.
Editor: I have to say that when I saw this article I was very, very disappointed. Very disappointed indeed.
Young minion: I...
Editor: We all want to break new ground, and we all want to be ‘out there’. We all think we can take arts journalism a little bit further. But I’ve been round the block.
YM: I...
Editor: Now, I asked you for an article based around Leonard Cohen’s support bands. It’s a hot topic. Leonard Cohen is, basically - I'd never heard of him - but he's more or less Canada's answer to Nick Cave. So it’s probably the single most important question of 2009, at least until (sotto voce; the Editor turns and genuflects to a large framed poster of Nick Cave) he comes again... or... (he turns to a large poster of Tim Rogers) he farts, opens an envelope or blinks. (Here the editor goes off into a reverie, sitting back in his chair and chuckling with amazement that he should live through these times). What will they do next? What on earth will they do next? More films for Nick? More forays into theatre for Tim? Another... another album? From either of them, this year? (A small drop of saliva drops from his lip at the tasty prospect).
YM: I...
Editor: (snaps back to the present). So, the Cohen supports. Yes, yes, Paul Kelly. I mean, we should have talked to Kelly, that was a good move, he’s kind of... well, he’s in that Tim Rogers vein of being a man playing a guitar, in fact, you should have said that; the readers might get a little confused being told about some man playing a guitar, except his name is not Tim Rogers or Angus Young. And I was of course gratified – very correct – to see you mention You Am I in the first column. But how many of our readers do you think were alienated by your complete lack of any mention of Nick Cave until... (his voice becomes both scandalised and uncomprehending) the final column?
YM: I...
Editor: This is a music story. Nick Cave and Tim Rogers are music. How many albums were released last year? I mean, really, how many?
YM: Two?
Editor: Two!? Two! Two! You idiot. You scum sucking, foetid, emanation...
YM: Dig Lazarus Dig and Dilettantes... oh, Tex Perkins’ Ladyboys?
Editor: (Closes his eyes and points straight ahead from his desk to the large shrine to Brian Johnson across the room). Black Ice, you fool. Black Ice, the single most... the most perfect... the... Why am I wasting my time with you? Why?
YM: I...
Editor: You march in here, jumped up and absurd, demanding I run a so-called pop music story about ‘Leonard Cohen’, with only the barest mention of Nick Cave... I suppose you’re one of those outlandish beatniks who think one day the EG might feature a cover story that is not about Tim Rogers or Nick Cave?! I suppose you think there is some crazy little utopia somewhere, some kind of ‘alternative scene’ or whatever you call it, where some so-called ‘musician’ is not Nick Cave, or Tim Rogers, or Angus Young... I suppose you’d like to see some kind of fascistic regime where a quality newspaper such as The Age, Australia’s greatest broadsheet, ignores its single most important duty – by which I mean, of course, in-depth reportage of the activities, attitudes, widespread importance and of course extraordinarily high quality output of Tim Rogers and Nick Cave.
YM: And AC/DC.
Editor: What will they do next? What will they do next!? Yes... yes! I see it! It’s next week’s EG cover story!
YM: ‘Tim Rogers and Nick Cave... what will they do next’?
Editor: Now you’re learning. Brilliant idea! A new year, a new set of challenges... A couple of hot new talents, Nick Cave and Tim Rogers. Nick ‘n’ Tim, Tim ‘n’ Nick. What will they do next! What does Leonard Cohen think they'll do next? What do AC/DC think they'll do next!? What does Tex Perkins think they'll do next? What does... what does Tim Rogers think they'll do next!
http://www.theage.com.au/news/entertainment/music/lending-aural-support/2009/01/23/1232471568406.html
Crossposted at Sarsaparilla
Editor: I have to say that when I saw this article I was very, very disappointed. Very disappointed indeed.
Young minion: I...
Editor: We all want to break new ground, and we all want to be ‘out there’. We all think we can take arts journalism a little bit further. But I’ve been round the block.
YM: I...
Editor: Now, I asked you for an article based around Leonard Cohen’s support bands. It’s a hot topic. Leonard Cohen is, basically - I'd never heard of him - but he's more or less Canada's answer to Nick Cave. So it’s probably the single most important question of 2009, at least until (sotto voce; the Editor turns and genuflects to a large framed poster of Nick Cave) he comes again... or... (he turns to a large poster of Tim Rogers) he farts, opens an envelope or blinks. (Here the editor goes off into a reverie, sitting back in his chair and chuckling with amazement that he should live through these times). What will they do next? What on earth will they do next? More films for Nick? More forays into theatre for Tim? Another... another album? From either of them, this year? (A small drop of saliva drops from his lip at the tasty prospect).
YM: I...
Editor: (snaps back to the present). So, the Cohen supports. Yes, yes, Paul Kelly. I mean, we should have talked to Kelly, that was a good move, he’s kind of... well, he’s in that Tim Rogers vein of being a man playing a guitar, in fact, you should have said that; the readers might get a little confused being told about some man playing a guitar, except his name is not Tim Rogers or Angus Young. And I was of course gratified – very correct – to see you mention You Am I in the first column. But how many of our readers do you think were alienated by your complete lack of any mention of Nick Cave until... (his voice becomes both scandalised and uncomprehending) the final column?
YM: I...
Editor: This is a music story. Nick Cave and Tim Rogers are music. How many albums were released last year? I mean, really, how many?
YM: Two?
Editor: Two!? Two! Two! You idiot. You scum sucking, foetid, emanation...
YM: Dig Lazarus Dig and Dilettantes... oh, Tex Perkins’ Ladyboys?
Editor: (Closes his eyes and points straight ahead from his desk to the large shrine to Brian Johnson across the room). Black Ice, you fool. Black Ice, the single most... the most perfect... the... Why am I wasting my time with you? Why?
YM: I...
Editor: You march in here, jumped up and absurd, demanding I run a so-called pop music story about ‘Leonard Cohen’, with only the barest mention of Nick Cave... I suppose you’re one of those outlandish beatniks who think one day the EG might feature a cover story that is not about Tim Rogers or Nick Cave?! I suppose you think there is some crazy little utopia somewhere, some kind of ‘alternative scene’ or whatever you call it, where some so-called ‘musician’ is not Nick Cave, or Tim Rogers, or Angus Young... I suppose you’d like to see some kind of fascistic regime where a quality newspaper such as The Age, Australia’s greatest broadsheet, ignores its single most important duty – by which I mean, of course, in-depth reportage of the activities, attitudes, widespread importance and of course extraordinarily high quality output of Tim Rogers and Nick Cave.
YM: And AC/DC.
Editor: What will they do next? What will they do next!? Yes... yes! I see it! It’s next week’s EG cover story!
YM: ‘Tim Rogers and Nick Cave... what will they do next’?
Editor: Now you’re learning. Brilliant idea! A new year, a new set of challenges... A couple of hot new talents, Nick Cave and Tim Rogers. Nick ‘n’ Tim, Tim ‘n’ Nick. What will they do next! What does Leonard Cohen think they'll do next? What do AC/DC think they'll do next!? What does Tex Perkins think they'll do next? What does... what does Tim Rogers think they'll do next!
http://www.theage.com.au/news/entertainment/music/lending-aural-support/2009/01/23/1232471568406.html
Crossposted at Sarsaparilla
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
what do you want from life?
In 1979, we had a student teacher whose name I don't recall, who was obviously this amazing idealist who wanted to unlock the kidz from their rigidity conformist vibe. He was short and intense, with (now I'm painting a picture of his vibe rather than recalling what he really looked like, because I can't remember) big teeth and a squarish jaw and short, almost frizzy curly hair. He wore striped t-shirts and jackets and denim jeans rolled up a bit, in a way that probably makes sense if (I know what this is like) you are generally a little too short for your pants, though it was also something of a fashion.
For one lesson, an English lesson, he had a tape of a song by the Tubes called 'What do you want from life'. He had typed the lyrics out and roneod them and gave us each a copy, then played us the song on one of those tape recorders, you know, 1979 style tape recorders. I knew nothing about rock music at the time but I knew this was shit (listening to a bit of it now, I realise neither he nor I nor any of us knew a thing, it is much more i-ron-ic than it seemed in that Hawthorn classroom in 1979). I remember one suck student pretending to be interested in The Tubes as if ingratiating oneself to a student teacher had any validity.
A week or so later the student teacher lost it in class because he wanted us to write an essay on 'plastic conformity and barbed wire of the mind', and someone said they didn't want to because it was shit and he yelled, 'OK so it's shit right, you still have to do it'. Whoever our normal teacher was at the time confided in us (!!!) that he wasn't going to get a very good mark, primarily because of that. This was from a time when teachers tended not to say 'shit'. (Not the same thing, I know, but still to do with mention of taboo bodily function; I was amazed when I was included in a conversation with the librarian at high school who mentioned that the name of the organisation 'Mensa' reminded her of the word 'menses'.)
Anyway, I have to concede now, thirty years later, that 'what do you want from life' is not a ridiculous question. I suppose most of all I want sufficient material wealth to be able to pay someone to extract a grass seed from my dog's nose (the Tubes did not include this possibility) and in fact I would like this as often as necessary, though I might have to get her a facemask if this happens that often; or pay someone to take a branch down that has half-fallen on the house, as happened a few days ago (eventually we called the SES as it was dangerously playing the electric wires).
For one lesson, an English lesson, he had a tape of a song by the Tubes called 'What do you want from life'. He had typed the lyrics out and roneod them and gave us each a copy, then played us the song on one of those tape recorders, you know, 1979 style tape recorders. I knew nothing about rock music at the time but I knew this was shit (listening to a bit of it now, I realise neither he nor I nor any of us knew a thing, it is much more i-ron-ic than it seemed in that Hawthorn classroom in 1979). I remember one suck student pretending to be interested in The Tubes as if ingratiating oneself to a student teacher had any validity.
A week or so later the student teacher lost it in class because he wanted us to write an essay on 'plastic conformity and barbed wire of the mind', and someone said they didn't want to because it was shit and he yelled, 'OK so it's shit right, you still have to do it'. Whoever our normal teacher was at the time confided in us (!!!) that he wasn't going to get a very good mark, primarily because of that. This was from a time when teachers tended not to say 'shit'. (Not the same thing, I know, but still to do with mention of taboo bodily function; I was amazed when I was included in a conversation with the librarian at high school who mentioned that the name of the organisation 'Mensa' reminded her of the word 'menses'.)
Anyway, I have to concede now, thirty years later, that 'what do you want from life' is not a ridiculous question. I suppose most of all I want sufficient material wealth to be able to pay someone to extract a grass seed from my dog's nose (the Tubes did not include this possibility) and in fact I would like this as often as necessary, though I might have to get her a facemask if this happens that often; or pay someone to take a branch down that has half-fallen on the house, as happened a few days ago (eventually we called the SES as it was dangerously playing the electric wires).
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another quick maribyrnong trip
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