Monday, January 02, 2017

weight weight don't tell me

Since 2002 (and before, but 2002 was the last time I significantly lost weight, due to personal trauma which stopped me eating for a week)* I have had a weight problem. I must say that by and large people have been very nice about it, insofar as I have rarely been called a disgraceful fat fuck, only once or twice, and then by people close to me. I have noted only that when I have slightly lost weight, people (oddly, usually men) have noticed and paid me a compliment. It’s a weird world, where almost everyone you know is in some way weight obsessed, to the degree where I suppose it is almost a given, perhaps it is a given, I guess I’m assuming it’s a given.
I’ve always wanted to deal with this because of course it not only affects my self-esteem but also it is physically uncomfortable a lot of the time. One of the reasons it is so problematic to deal with it – particularly in the last decade when I’ve been working and teaching consistently – is I’m guessing because in a schedule of teaching and other ‘performing’ episodes in amongst a high-stress but sedentary environment, I am often required to use (and replenish) a lot of energy quickly, yet my days are inadequately structured. I also sleep poorly, which I gather is part of the problem, though I’m not sure why.
On top of this, and recognizing that this is probably a self-thwarting, denial problem, I also find exercise boring and irritating, and will seek to avoid it wherever possible. I went to the gym a lot a few years ago, you might recall. I couldn’t stand it. The other people, mainly. I really enjoy walking long distances, but they have to be interesting. I am not proud of this element of my personality.
So about a month ago – I’m not sure when – I just stopped eating so much. Essentially, one ‘real’ meal a day, and some minor things like fruit or nuts the rest of the time. I didn’t put an X on the calendar or anything – I just decided one day that this would happen. I have eaten almost no bread, and very little in the way of processed foods, aside from the one meal a day, when anything goes, really (of course, I’m still a strict vegetarian with vegan leanings).
It’s silly to even be saying this, probably, but I’m really pleased with the result so far. I haven’t weighed myself or anything but I have noted that some clothes that I foolishly purchased in Finland because I loved them, even though they were slightly too small, now fit. Extraordinary, right, who’d have thought.
I don’t even know where this is going as a topic, just want to say, in this regard if in not many others, I feel pretty great. I am going to keep going along this track. To my shame I did eat some toast yesterday (after NYE, where I stayed up till 5 and had like an aperol spritz and a couple of proseccos but was in no way drunk, but still felt kind of hungover) and I kind of got the bread bug again, the processedness of it and the sugar, I suppose, and I forgot how good it was… bizarre… of course, it’s not good. Hopefully this will strengthen my resolve.
It’s so silly. Once I get on top of this weight thing I’ll be unbeatable, although I’ll probably come down with cancer or Spanish flu or something but I’m looking to a little sweet spot between being everything and dead.

Wish me luck.

PS Don't tell me I'm starving myself. It doesn't take much to stop me feeling hungry for a few hours and I do eat something to keep my metabolism churning. The point is I've been overeating far beyond my needs for decades. 

*A week isn't enough in itself but after that I taught myself to not eat anything solid before 6pm. Not entirely dissimilar to what I'm doing now. 


AB said...


lucy tartan said...

I lost about 10 kg during 2016, fairly gradually, mainly through just eating less and being quite selective about what I eat. Yes, people certainly do notice, but only the people I'm closest to have openly talked about it. Everyone else says things like 'you are looking so well' - maybe code for 'thin', who can say? Sadly 'thin' and 'well' are synonymous in the minds of all of us except those who've really worked hard to separate them. All that said I very much prefer how I feel at this weight. A rather sad consequence is a massive upsurge in the volume of unwanted attention I receive from men when I'm out on the street, especially when I'm riding somewhere on my bike. This ranges from leering though to detailed verbal harrassment. I have taken to riding round with my headphones in to block out the latter.