Saturday, March 07, 2009

they drive me insane

Most of all I drive myself insane. I lost the keys to the station wagon two days ago, after impetuously deciding to take the car to work when it started raining (me and 7 million other Melbournians obviously, as we had forgotten what rain was) and then deciding impetuously after driving for ten minutes that the traffic was too awful, that I’d have to take the train after all, and parking the sw in Oak Park, where it’s been for two days now because some time on Tuesday afternoon I lost the key. I drive myself not only to Oak Park but also insane.

But what about the other idiots I have to endure? What about that woman on the train a short time ago waggling on about how they should take all the seats out of the train so more people could stand in it? Oh, she was bad enough, all with her ‘I should be in parliament… introduce a private member’s bill, even though I’m not a member, apparently…’ that ‘apparently’ apparently supposed to indicate that it’s not really a democracy if not everyone in the world can be a ‘private member’ in parliament. But her friends were mental: ‘oh, that’s a really good idea. That’s a really good idea actually. No really, I think that’s really good.’ Blah! She gets me down and so do they.

But not as much as the Dickensian junkie on the train yesterday who I purposefully went down the far end of the carriage to get away from, so Dickensian was his junkieness, more like a Cruickshank engraving really which has since distorted further in my memory, and then for some reason he and the fluoro-jacketed middle aged man he was with came down my end of the carriage, where I had expressly hoped they would not be. He was one of those junkies with an endless sense of wonderment about his surroundings, as though his awe with the world excused his so-called experimentation with a life of deadly addiction. They were getting off at Strathmore. ‘Are there any trees where we’re going?’ he asked fat companion. ‘Why?’
‘Because I need to piss!’

Obviously using a toilet would befoul an otherwise fine and private place.

Speaking of which, what about ‘William, did you do a poo in the back of your pants?’ on the bus yesterday. She was horrific, in her brown peasant tent and her grin-moron child would have made Alfred E Neuman recoil in horror. I mean for god’s sake. In fact his name wasn’t William it was Tom. ‘No, I’m very cross with you Tom, that’s very naughty, you should wait to go to the toilet.’ OK, your child is all wrong, having him was an error, and he did a poo in the back of his pants (had he done it in the front of his pants she might have been proud of his ingenuity, I don’t know, or maybe that was what he was taught and doing it in the back is a special talent he has developed which the parents can’t do themselves, being front-pooers, so of course the mother is scared a la the Chrysalids.) Hell. I hated them.

Or that woman on the train on Tuesday, she in a red gypsy outfit, giving a monologue not unlike something someone might deliver if asked to play a game of stand-up comedy with the game being not actually making one single joke, in which she was apparently parodying someone a little like Neil from the Young Ones only an American, who was driving a van somewhere and wouldn’t take any notice when being told that he was already on Ballarat Road, ‘OK man just tell me when to turn onto Ballarat Road.’ You know those people who think that if it sounds laconic it doesn’t matter what the content is, it’s hilarious, and of course, Australians who think they can do American accents (and so pronounce the ‘r’ even in words without ‘r’s) are fucking idieRRts man.

But the worst was actually the guy on the train this morning. He was cutting his fingernails on a crowded train. Now, really, seriously, that is de trop. I looked around hoping to catch a bit in my eye, or if not that, then stare him into embarrassment. He was doing it inside a plastic bag. This was horrible, mainly because it was so freakin’ loud, and ‘clut! Clut! Clut!’ all the frigging time, and you start to think, Alright, prick features, you can cut your nails in a plastic bag on the train, I can’t stop you, I don’t know how to tell you this is socially Not Done if you can't intuit it, you looking straight ahead of you as if you aren’t doing a thing, and no-one else but me can hear you because they are all listening to Doof and metal on ear buds but HOW MANY FINGERNAILS DO YOU HAVE? When I cut my nails – which I do at acceptable times, without others around to listen to CLUT CLUT, or is it more like CLINT, CLINT, or is it STRIK, STRIK, I don’t know, a failing of the roman alphabet or probably all alphabets, anyway, when I cut my nails I make that noise about 20 times probably, not for half a freakin’ hour, are you actually trimming your hooves in there, or are you cutting the horny scabs off the heels of your hands, or are you shelling chestnuts I MEAN CHRIST, no-one should have to put up with that. Especially not me as I have enough bullshit to deal with I don’t care if it’s of my own making.


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

you'd be sorry if they all died in a bush fire. And you would think they were cute as babies.

David said...

I would be sorrier to hear of the death of someone I knew nothing about, in a fire or otherwise, than I would to hear of the death of someone who did poo in the back of their pants or clipped their nails in a plastic bag on the train. I'm sorry but that's me. Human nature. I am 'sorry' for anyone's death in a bush fire, at any time, though, so the above is untrue.

Anonymous said...

WOW and the work year has just begun for you David. i think you need to join the Jacana yoga group old boy. Perhaps a six months Zoloft prescription or more time on the bike path. Thanks for returning my call -not.
Your pal,

shrink rap said...

are these excerpts from Dr Pamela Stephenson's abc 2 show?

Dan E said...

"had he done it in the front of his pants she might have been proud of his ingenuity..."

This made me laugh out loud — or "LOL" as the kids say today...