OK so I need to get from my workplace
(Parkville) to the doctor (Westmeadows) in an hour and a quarter. Public
Transport Victoria’s website says yes. (Actually first it says ‘cannot load at
this time, try again later’ but then it says ‘yes’). So I do as it advises and
get the right time train to Essendon station. That works fine, against most
odds. I’m there with a few minutes to spare, all good, who wants to hang out in
that place, not I. So I find the stop with the timetables and stuff and I’m
ready. A couple of buses go by and don’t go to my stop. Then I see the 477 –
the bus I want – sail gaily by. Why? Well, according to the bus driver (who
does, kindly, stop in the middle of the road when I hail him), the bus stop is
not where the post with the timetables and the sign saying ‘477 Broadmeadows’
is – it’s a little further down the road where the seats are. So that’s good to
know for future reference. At the same time it’s irritating enough.
Anyway, I’m on it. So we start out. It’s
one of those bus journeys, so common in this city, which has a parallel to a
shaggy dog story or a miniseries that wants to keep you watching week after
week by making you wonder what happens in the end. Twists and turns. This one
goes from Airport West very straightforwardly to Tullamarine (the shopping
centre, not the airport – gordon bennett, imagine you were trying to get to
Tullamarine Airport) thence (I love the NSW railways terminology) to Gladstone
Park shopping centre. Then you think – what else is there but Westmeadows. Then it goes back towards Tullamarine. Then it
turns and goes back to Gladstone Park – no, it doesn’t do a uey, it just goes
round a huge arc through Gladstone Park for no apparent purpose except to check
that there wasn’t anyone at Gladstone Park shopping centre who really did want
the bus but was a bit shy in coming forward. Crikey!
So you’re always thinking, should I get off
here? Because time’s running out and I am kind of close to where I want to be,
I could probably make it. Then it goes the wrong way and you think, no I better
stay on, because otherwise I’m going to be even more late. Then it gets close again. Then
it strays again.
And you look up the timetable on the PTV
website online via your phone and this time, it’s telling you that the bus that
was supposed to get to W’meadows at 4:45 is actually getting there at 4:55.
(But get this, it was a joke because you do actually get there at 4:45. And the
joke is more on you than anything else, because you get to the doctor and you
wait for ever and ever and ever.).
Oh, and the penultimate insult. While the
bus is going circuitously nervously never quite getting to its goal, you get
both of the worst songs ever to hear on a bus, and practically anywhere as
well: ‘The Pina Colada Song’, and ‘Time after Time’. Fuck off. And the bus
driver, god bless him for stopping at Essendon, but he’s eating a chicken
sandwich while driving (I mean, is that appropriate?). Jesus.
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