weight weight don't tell me

Since 2002 (and before, but 2002 was the last time I significantly lost weight, due to personal trauma which stopped me eating for a week)* I have had a weight problem. I must say that by and large people have been very nice about it, insofar as I have rarely been called a disgraceful fat fuck, only once or twice, and then by people close to me. I have noted only that when I have slightly lost weight, people (oddly, usually men) have noticed and paid me a compliment. It’s a weird world, where almost everyone you know is in some way weight obsessed, to the degree where I suppose it is almost a given, perhaps it is a given, I guess I’m assuming it’s a given.

I’ve always wanted to deal with this because of course it not only affects my self-esteem but also it is physically uncomfortable a lot of the time. One of the reasons it is so problematic to deal with it – particularly in the last decade when I’ve been working and teaching consistently – is I’m guessing because in a schedule of teaching and other ‘performing’ episodes in amongst a high-stress but sedentary environment, I am often required to use (and replenish) a lot of energy quickly, yet my days are inadequately structured. I also sleep poorly, which I gather is part of the problem, though I’m not sure why.

On top of this, and recognizing that this is probably a self-thwarting, denial problem, I also find exercise boring and irritating, and will seek to avoid it wherever possible. I went to the gym a lot a few years ago, you might recall. I couldn’t stand it. The other people, mainly. I really enjoy walking long distances, but they have to be interesting. I am not proud of this element of my personality.

So about a month ago – I’m not sure when – I just stopped eating so much. Essentially, one ‘real’ meal a day, and some minor things like fruit or nuts the rest of the time. I didn’t put an X on the calendar or anything – I just decided one day that this would happen. I have eaten almost no bread, and very little in the way of processed foods, aside from the one meal a day, when anything goes, really (of course, I’m still a strict vegetarian with vegan leanings).

It’s silly to even be saying this, probably, but I’m really pleased with the result so far. I haven’t weighed myself or anything but I have noted that some clothes that I foolishly purchased in Finland because I loved them, even though they were slightly too small, now fit. Extraordinary, right, who’d have thought.

I don’t even know where this is going as a topic, just want to say, in this regard if in not many others, I feel pretty great. I am going to keep going along this track. To my shame I did eat some toast yesterday (after NYE, where I stayed up till 5 and had like an aperol spritz and a couple of proseccos but was in no way drunk, but still felt kind of hungover) and I kind of got the bread bug again, the processedness of it and the sugar, I suppose, and I forgot how good it was… bizarre… of course, it’s not good. Hopefully this will strengthen my resolve.

It’s so silly. Once I get on top of this weight thing I’ll be unbeatable, although I’ll probably come down with cancer or Spanish flu or something but I’m looking to a little sweet spot between being everything and dead.

Wish me luck.

PS Don't tell me I'm starving myself. It doesn't take much to stop me feeling hungry for a few hours and I do eat something to keep my metabolism churning. The point is I've been overeating far beyond my needs for decades. 

*A week isn't enough in itself but after that I taught myself to not eat anything solid before 6pm. Not entirely dissimilar to what I'm doing now.