Look, I do know how to procrastinate - don't worry about that. But for crying out loud, this life is so full of tiny little stupidities that need to be done, and no time to do any of them. I just logged on to the ARC site to wrap up an assessment to find they've actually given me
two to do - I had no idea about the second one until just then
and I had to 'accept' it, to see when the due date was (today as well).* I mean that's not fair on anyone, including the people who have put all the work in to making an application. Anyway I was walking Perry and thinking about medicinal marijuana gummies, something I know precisely nothing about except that they exist, and I thought, who the hell has the time to just give away an evening to doing nothing, knowing that they will pick up real life again in the morning? I know I used to routinely get drunk at least one night of a weekend, probably more during the week, and the next day would largely be a write-off. I know that 'intellectually' (to the degree anything about me is intellectual) but I just can't recall what it was like or how I thought I could manage it, but I guess I am in responsible employment now.
I do know how to procrastinate, and I am also continually creating projects for myself which mean I never really have time at all, but seriously, I am amazed that there are people who can put themselves into a situation where they are unable to do anything (alright, I will admit I do know some people for whom being pretty stoned is actually an ideal state to be creative - that's not possible for me, but that would of course make all the difference).
The real thing is I guess the drive to create, whether it's an ARC assessment (some creation, huh) or something more substantial. I have that. What I have lost, however, which was always tenuous, is the drive to create something to completion. It's a different kind of procrastination - in my fifties I have just started overthinking everything. It's super weird. Must do better.
*don't worry if none of this makes sense, it's not important at all. just 'get it by context' OK? Also I should point out it's very likely they emailed me to tell me about the second one but I just saw the email and didn't read it because I thought it was a reminder about the first one. I've requested more time to do the second one, will probably get it. By the way that cartoon is from the Montreal Gazette 30 June 1984 p. 19